Current Events

Hit the ground running

Blown in from the Windy City

and caught in the grasp

of those huge, hugging arms of Brotherly Love

complete with flash mobs and

increasing violent games and

what I'll call

Sibling Rivalry

and I put on my nice clothes

and by day 2 I'm at orientation

on how I can sell pizza for $7

while next door you get it

for $1.80 a slice and

you can make that a combo if you like,

just buy a tub of soda for $4.75

and you can up-size it for just 50 cents

and get free refills

all compliments of Coke companies

that remind us to go big or go home

and watch it on bootleg

for which is called theft

but the wrong criminal is prosecuted.

But I need to get my money up

so I can live and go to school

and have enough time in between

to rip my hair out

in an area where I can

dodge raindrops and bullets

and if it's not too overwhelming

I'll matrix the tears

so I can get to work

and sound happy on phones

asking for your money

I am the professional beggar

tugging on your account strings.

Sacrifice myself

to be the hated one

to make a quick buck in order to

stay afloat in oil leaked oceans.

And now

now

NOW you tell me

that I can get fired

for not asking to upsize

or that my job isn't secure

tell me that my apartment is

too expensive

and my roommate has other options

while my school status is still pending

as well as my divorce with my parents

with awkward stares across enemy lies

The heat's too much

but I can't escape this kitchen

The heat wave has overcome me

and for the first time in a while,

I'm drowning in deep thoughts.

Ms. Chleo

"So if it all goes right, in about the next month I should have an acceptance letter, a job above minimum wage and a lease with my name on it. Cross your fingers and pray for the prayers in my favor."

That was the last status I posted on facebook, right after showering for work. Immediately after, my left palm started to itch very badly.

You know what they say about itchy palms right? It means money is coming.

Maybe this will work. But I'm not going to rely on itchy palms alone to predict my future.

So, please pray for the prayers in my favor. (I like that line)

Lemonade

W.M.D

Some things are best said with silence

You kill me with your words

please stop your violence

You spit bullets

Your mouths a smoking gun

Words may cut deep

with your silver tongue

You've got

Hard hitting punchlines

with your

brass knuckle lips

and I'm at your mercy

until your mood shifts

You shoot insults

like a semi-automatic

and I can't hold my breath

because you always had it

I write it all down

because revenge is what I'm yearning

compose a diary of hatred

then hold a book burning

I'll shoot bullets back at you

but this time they're real

"See what you did to me?

I'll show you how I feel"

I Think They Call This...Venting

Sometimes it just feels like nothing goes right. While I have so much to be grateful for, I can't help to get angry at some misfortunes. A lady shouldn't curse but I've been brought up like a sailor. I've weathered storms with metaphorical waves that have taken my soul deeper than it should be at this age. The deeper I go the more pressure is on me.

I've seen my father leave and come back

and my mother threaten suicide

both too many times

I've seen so many arguments

and not enough apologies

I've heard so many empty words

I can hear their echo

and I repeat myself when I say

that it makes me a better person

But I am tired of being better

I'm tired of being the mother of my mother

and babying my father

I am not a child

and I had little chance to be

and when I finally do something for me

everything falls apart

the wool strands of my dreams are being tugged

and pulled away by the leaping sheep

and they run away towards possibility

while I'm left in an open field staring at a fence.

And when the sun rises I will be left in the shadows cast

sometimes it just always feels like darkness has its hand on my shoulder

I want to be better

So I guess this is the path

tomorrow I'm gettin' yelled at

oh well

fuck it

high ho' sailor.

If I Had A Dream

"every dream i’ve had was a nightmare

so everything i do is motivated by fear

scared of low makes me the best out there

but the best of what is the hardest nut

to crack when every possibility is followed by a “but...”

and by my own invention another window is shut

and it was never my intention

to have many canvases with no inspiration

like my fates a virgin waiting penetration

meaning i haven’t even touched it yet

despite my motivation"

So what do you do, when the only thing you want to be is better?

Why can't that be an aspiration and an occupation?

Adult: Monica, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Better.

Adult: No, I mean what do you want to do with your life?

Me: Be better.

Adult: I don't think you understand...

Me: I don't think you understand. With all the things I can do, like to do, will probably do in the future, how can you choose one? What else is more worthy of my time than self improvement? Why should my life be defined by an employment application?

Anywho....

I don't have a dream.

No drive towards a single direction.

I don't have any ambition towards something in particular.

I just want to be better.

Better than I am now.

Better than most.

Better than the best.

I want to be me in the near future

and that's an ongoing process.

So I Have This Friend...

I've only been home for a couple weeks by now, and it's been hard trying to adjust to the weather forecasts. A 75 - 80 degrees in Chicago is different from that in Philadelphia. I walked around the city to meet up with my friend and I am greeted with booty shorts and cellulite, and half way through my journey I realize that the friend I was meeting will too have short shorts, but none of the cellulite. In fact, she pulls them off better than most people I'll find on the street. And then I realized, she'll probably have a really cute outfit on because she always does, and always looks so well put together, and (as far as I'm concerned) always outshines me. It was too late to go back and change, and when I saw her all my suspicions were right. "Um, excuse me miss? What is this?" I said to her in a joking way, pointing with my eyes at her shorts. She acted like it was fine, no big deal. "It's not that hot outside. Now, if I wore shorts like that it'd be an issue."

"Well, that's 'cause you got more booty than I do." True. But that's just a nice way of saying I'm "bigger." I was jealous of her for that. It's not that she's necessarily prettier than me (though she's gorgeous). If we could wear the same clothes, we'd be more level. However, every time I feel like I have to hide something, tuck in, suck in, poke out, etc. she can breathe easy. While I'm ashamed and in hiding, she's not even flaunting what she has, it's just her. It's who she is, how she dresses, and how she feels good about herself and damn, I wish I could do the same. So, it's funny how our insecurities manifest themselves into how we dress.

Part of what bothers me is that her comment. She would never call me fat, but I've seen her face when she looks at older photos of me (my weight has always fluctuated throughout my life). If I suck in my stomach she tells me to "go ahead girl," so how am I supposed to feel? I gave her a hypothetical question. If there was a skinny girl and a fat girl at the same school wearing the same outfit, and the fat girl was made to change her clothes because it was "inappropriate," would it be wrong? She said yes. I asked her why her shorts were any different. "Because this isn't a school setting." Yeah, okay. That's why.

When I get like this, I try to remember that there's more than one kind of beautiful. My friend just happens to be more conventional with her petite figure, well done hair (colored/dyed and styled), fashion sense, always has jewelry, usually wears heels (even on her move-in day for college), and always has her nails and eyebrows done. These are things I don't have or do, and maybe if I did I wouldn't be so worried all the time, but that's not me. All the things that make her seem so beautiful (aside from her natural beauty) also handicaps her. First off, to keep up with those things is expensive. Second, I believe a person is more about what they are bare. What if she didn't have the nails, hair, heels, etc? What if the playing field were level? She can't go swimming because it would mess up her hair. She can't go out without having to put on make-up, she's high maintenance.

Wait, let me stop. Now I'm hatin'. I love this girl. She's been there for me and I've been there for her. It's just hard when my mind puts us in competition. I wanted to talk about this just to put it out there, and remind other girls when they're feelings insecure to remember: there's more than one kind of beautiful, the person you're jealous of is probably jealous of you too, no one is perfect and if they seem like they are, they're just covering up their demons.

I hate the stigma that because I'm bigger I have to hide myself. Even the people who are on my side fall into it. We say we're beautiful no matter what size we are, but we're always encouraged to go to the gym or go on a diet. Here's some food for thought. For all the commercials there are for weight loss, how many are there for weight gain (talking about females)? Yes, the United States has the most amount of obese/overweight people, but we also have the highest record of anorexia and bulemia. So, for every time we're told to lose weight to be "healthy" why doesn't the same apply to bulemia/anorexia sufferers?

Whatever.

Betty White

I want to be the kind of old person

that rides their scooter in the street

like it's a car

parallel parks it

and walks away.

Or that scoots down a super market

and knocks down the can pyramid

and tells the workers to suck her left teat.

Betty White is awesome.

I Don't Really Have Skeletons...

But my closet is looking dusty. Sorry for being vague.

I've had a conversation recently with my roommate and suitemate in my dorm that has stirred my demons.

There's certain character traits that I believe I can attribute to my past. Though what I have gone through in the past has been hard, I have to say that I am grateful for my experiences. So, here goes.

Thank you.

To everyone that has hurt me.

For every time I've cried,

and every time I was too hurt to shed a tear.

Thank you for the arguments,

and for showing me who I really am

for speaking honestly of your true character

and even if you never were before,

being honest long enough to harm me.

Thank you for teaching me to never waste my time with people like you

and showing me the friends that I should never let go.

Thank you for making me stronger,

better,

faster,

and smarter.

You knocked me down

so I know how to build.

Thanks to you,

I can create something out of nothing

so even when you leave

and when you're gone

and when you're never coming back

a part of me won't leave with you.

You do not make me

so you cannot break me.

I am better than that

and thanks to you,

I already know it.

This isn't poetry, it's just how I think.

Just as a note: It's hard to be grateful for the hard times of our lives, but they form us to be the people we are today. Saying that, it's also important to forgive, but not always forget. Some people will hurt us again and again, so we must forgive them again and again but remove ourselves for our own sakes.

"I've spent too much time being negative of others, when I should remember the time spent of others being negative of me."

Year 2010

I think it's human nature to be hypo-

(critical of ourselves),

to dream for the best but

put talent on the shelves,

and when we fall we see

how low failure really delves.

act like we’re scared of success

and we almost always fail

Fictional

“Mommy, why do we call gramma an grampa opa and oma?”

“What makes you ask?”

“No one else at school calls them that.”

“Well it’s because you oma is from Germany and that’s what I called my grandparents. Opa is the German word for grandpa and oma is the German word for grandma.”

“Why do is Sandra called Tia?”

“Because she’s from Colombia and there they speak spanish. That’s why you call your cousins your primos.”

“So our family is Colombian, German, and black?”

“Yup. And a lot more”

“So what does that make me?”

“Beautiful.”

“So why did a kid call me ‘nigger’?”

“Do you know what that word means?”

“No”

“It means ignorance. Do you know what ignorance means?”

“No”

“It means someone doesn’t know a lot.”

“Like stupid.”

“Sort of.”

“Why were they calling me stupid?”

“They weren’t, they were showing how stupid they are. Whenever someone uses that word they show their own ignorance.”

Caution: Construction in Progress

As a young female, I watch many of my friends get into relationships because they feel they "need" to be in one. I tell many of my friends "you need to know yourself alone before you can know yourself in a relationship." This statement, I think is true. It makes a relationship stronger, more honest, better. We cannot know what to expect from others if we do not know what to expect of ourselves first. That being said, I need to learn to accept others flaws the same way that I accept my own. I spend most of my time single, and I consider few people my "friend." It's very hard to gain my trust and entrance into my "inner circle." I used to see this as a positive, but now I see that maybe I cut people too short too quickly. I'm realizing that since I've spent so much time "finding me" I've lost many around me. I always thought of this as "trimming the fat" and "eliminating drama," but maybe I should allow more patience to those around me. Especially if I want a romantic relationship. Maybe my friends have something figured out that I've been missing all along. Hopefully, we all will learn how to meet in the middle.

Time is Key

I'm so tired of wasting my time on crap. I am 18 years-old, almost 19 and I've finally decided I'm ready for a serious, committed relationship. Before I just wanted to play around and have fun. Falling in love or having anything serious wasn't on my agenda because I want to experience life independently. More importantly, I wanted to be able to know myself alone before I try to find myself in a relationship. I'm not one of those girls who always needs to be in a relationship.

That being said, I've spent enough time playing. I believe now is a good time to start testing the waters of a serious relationship. My timing couldn't be worse! I don't want to shine myself in holy light, but I like to think I'm funny, smart, and relatable. I believe I'm someone a guy could talk to with ease. So I don't understand why a guy won't put in the time. Get to know a girl (not just me), find out what she likes, take her to do something OTHER than going to a movie! Where did the effort go? Just a little bit of creativity or romance would be a great improvement to my outlook on dating. I feel surrounded by boys that just want to get in my pants or have nothing to do with me at all. Why can't we be friends? I don't owe you anything, I don't even know you, but you want me sexually? I'm not stupid, I know the games. Also, you guys are lucky that not ALL women are gold diggers because I know plenty that would be glad to let you take them out and never speak to you again.

I'd hate to say this, but it's up for consideration. Maybe it's me! Am I just too paranoid and hard headed that I'm kicking out the guys with good intentions? Honestly, I doubt it. Maybe it's a college thing. The wrong time? Seems like it always is. I just want a guy to say, "Hey" rather then, "Yo shawty!" or something of that nature. I am a person. I can communicate verbally. Why is that so difficult? If any guys read this, take note: get to know a girl, don't ask for a date (ask to hang out at such and such at time such and such), be yourself, and let it grow from there. I'm tired of guys acting like they're always "tryna hit." Please, just take the time!

Dear Fellas, R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Dear Fellas,

I don't care how low your pants are. I don't want to know the disgusting bruises, cuts, scrapes, etc. your body has endured in detail. I especially don't want to know how many females you get to lay in bed with you. If you feel the need to boast about the tattoos you have, your sexual conquests, how much money you have, or the number of cars you have, you have self-esteem issues. Men complain that women are all the same (as do females) but that's because we use the same methods hoping for different results. If we put dating through the scientific method you will see that a man flaunting his money and cars will get a gold digger just about every time. I don't need you to prove to me that you're a man, kind sir. If I didn't know that, I wouldn't be talking to you.

I feel sorry for guys sometimes because there's a lot to be expected of you all, but it all can be contradictory at times. A guy is expected to be sensitive yet masculine, a tender hero, to always have time for a job, friends, girl, and sometimes families. Your friends call you "soft," your girl calls you a jerk, and you're supposed to figure out where in those two extremes you're supposed to be. To me, a real man is someone who takes care of their priorities first, and luxuries come later. Don't concern yourself with what your friends and girlfriend think. If you feel you have to push yourself to be anybody but who you are, it wasn't meant to be. For example, my friend has started going to the gym and started bench pressing. His friend called him a bitch for being hesitant to press 200+ lbs, so five reps into the exercise my friend hurt himself. If you're self-esteem is so bad that you're willing to hurt yourself to prove you're not a "bitch," you have larger issues than your muscle mass. If that's the only way to prove yourself to your friends, get new friends.

It's nice to have a fast car with all the features and the newest phone, but I'm not impressed if it's paid for by someone other than you. A hoopdie and a Metro is fine with me, and I'll go Dutch on a date if you're making an honest living. I'm aware that life isn't always easy and that money can get tight sometimes, but it's no excuse to risk yours safety for an illegitimate job (a.k.a. dealing drugs) to prove a point. Money isn't everything, and a good woman will help you when you need it.

And if you're single? Please remember this: STDs are real, cooties aren't. They are not synonymous, and they (STDs) are a real danger. If you can't get a relationship to work so you jump from "bitch to bitch," I understand why you fail at relationships. From my experience with my friend, there are some men that relish themselves with easy choices. An easy choice is a "bitch," slut, hoe, whore, skank, etc. (which is why these girls are called "easy"). If you want to show a girl that you're ready for a relationship, swallow your pride and put in the work. Relationships are hard, but are worth the effort. Having a classy woman who loves you for you is worth all the hassles in the middle. Easy choices will only leave you alone (in the long run) and at risk for Syphilis, Chlamydia, AIDS, Gonorrhea, etc. Remember, as much as you think you're playing these girls, they're probably playing you too. Who's paying for the dinner, movie, gas, drinks, etc.? Yes sir, you're being used just as much as you use them, making you the skank, slut, and bitch. If you respect yourself, you will know not to risk your health on users. It's trifling and nasty and will get you nowhere.

So if you want to be a man and not a bitch, get a real job, pay your own bills, get a real woman. Not only will you earn respect for yourself, but you'll get it from me as well and many others.

Dear Ladies, R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Dear ladies,

If your boobs are out along with your butt crack and you muffin top has reached maximum capacity, you're not "badd." If you cannot dress appropriately and still feel confident in your appearance, you have self-esteem issues. I want all ladies to recognize this because we are very imbalanced. As far as I'm concerned, a girl like Nicki Minaj is just as self-conscious as a girl that "looks like Precious." Why do we want to emulate girls who used sex as a main method for success? It has been our sex that has been used as a weakness for years! Even when blacks gained the right to vote, women were still expected to stay in the kitchen and serve their men. Women's suffrage is one of the newest civil right breakthroughs (next being gay rights), yet we prove to men that our sex is our weakness. We need to break the habit of thinking that sexuality will be our saving grace. Female sexuality as a business will rely on men as the consumer, forever leaving us bound to men for our needs. Where are the independent women?

I don't understand why we have perfectly capable women thrusting their breasts into Facebook pictures instead of their pretty faces. We have better ways to represent ourselves as human beings as opposed to sexual deviants. A woman who relies on her looks isn't confident in her abilities or in her intelligence. Stop praising sexuality as a means of success! Give me my Susan B. Anthony, Marie Curie, Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, Eleanor Roosevelt and Michelle Obama! These are the women to look towards and they are the examples we should live up to when I say that even in this day women are paid seventy cents to a mans dollar. My existence is not quantified by my rating from a scale of one to ten or by how many men I attract in a day.

A Nicki Minaj is not so different from a "Precious," two sorts of women whose insecurities are exploited by our society. An "ugly woman" is something to be fixed, a problem to be solved, a change need to be made. Jennifer Hudson, for example, just joined the Jenny Craig band-wagon. By no means is Jennifer Hudson ugly. When she first came out on the scene, I was happy a curvier woman was open to the public eye. However, her new Jenny Craig campaign saddens me. A perfectly good woman changed her body to fit the American ideal of what beauty is. What does that say to our younger generations? To my generation? I've been through my self-hate, I've been through my "fat stage," I've been through my "sexy-tight clothes stage," and now I'm at my acceptance stage. I am not thin, but that doesn't mean I'm ugly. Jennifer Hudson was not thin, but she was beautiful. Why did she have to change?

I know I've asked a lot of questions that I will not be able to answer, but that's not the point. If anyone reads this, I want you to consider why our society is this way. Consider what you may do and why you do it. A woman hiding her body under large clothing because she's self-conscious is not very different from a woman with her cleavage out because that's the only way she feels "sexy." We need to move our focuses from the sexual to the intellectual. When we become confident in ourselves, then we can worry about what a man may want from us.

My Favorite Quotes

I believe these quotes are either very true, important to remember, or speak greatly about my life experience. Some of these are from rappers, some are from political figures, some are from myself (I promise, I'm not trying to ego-trip).

"Our stories may be singular, but our destiny is shared." - Barack Obama

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." - Albert Einstein

“Adversity reveals genius, prosperity conceals it.” - Horace

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt

“There’s always a reason, never an excuse.”

"Got a clue what I'm doin' but I'm sure not a shoe-in I can ruin it by bein' untrue to it." - Asher Roth

"Self expression is all that I know. My direction is all on my own. I direct it, produce and edit, so no excuess if I lose: Can't regret it." - Asher Roth

"Fighting a war with myself and I’ll always get shot. Messing with good standards, and far too well mannered; Thanks for the rejection, and I'll ignore all the banter." - My life

"The two biggest mistakes a person can make is to assume and underestimate." - Me

"I've spent too much time being negative of others, when I should remember the time spent of others being negative of me." - Me

"The pessimist may be right, but the optimist has the better journey."

"Some of the best things said are minimalistic. They don't suffer from extraneous requirements of language, they're just beautiful and meaningful on their own. For example; I love you, I hate you, good-bye, hi. I think the last one's my favorite." - Me

If I Were To Pray...

Dear God,
Remind me to be humble
and that I'm no better or worse than any other.
Remind me that every person has a story
and that I believe that no child is born evil.
If I shall never love,
let me appreciate the love of those around me.
Remind me that I am not perfect.
and I will be rejected by others.
Keep my best friends in my life,
and let the others learn from their mistakes.
Keep my eyes focused
and my heart clear
and never let me stray.
Remind me that stress is of my own creation
and that happiness is a choice.
Let me have the curiosity to ask,
and the wisdom to know when not to.
Should I live forever,
always challenge me.
And when I pass,
let me pass last
so no one shall cry at my own funeral.
But more importantly,
remind me to forgive and forget,
and to live and let live, laugh, and love.

Under Construction

There's a reason for my choosing this name for my blog. People are continuously "under construction" in the sense that no one is ever "complete" or fully mature, at the pinnacle of wisdom, and though we're in denial, none of us "know-it-all." Part of the human condition is growing, learning, and building upon the foundations our parents, environment, social status, etc. has given us.

I don't think this blog will help me "make it big" or get a lot of attention, but hopefully it will grab at least one persons attention. This blog will probably just consist of views from my life, advice, thoughts, etc. For the record, I am from Philadelphia, currently in Chicago for college, and I am 18 years-old. Also, I am a single, white, female. Some people think that's important, and it had/will have an affect on what I discuss, as well as my point of view on topics.