Current Events

Hit the ground running

Blown in from the Windy City

and caught in the grasp

of those huge, hugging arms of Brotherly Love

complete with flash mobs and

increasing violent games and

what I'll call

Sibling Rivalry

and I put on my nice clothes

and by day 2 I'm at orientation

on how I can sell pizza for $7

while next door you get it

for $1.80 a slice and

you can make that a combo if you like,

just buy a tub of soda for $4.75

and you can up-size it for just 50 cents

and get free refills

all compliments of Coke companies

that remind us to go big or go home

and watch it on bootleg

for which is called theft

but the wrong criminal is prosecuted.

But I need to get my money up

so I can live and go to school

and have enough time in between

to rip my hair out

in an area where I can

dodge raindrops and bullets

and if it's not too overwhelming

I'll matrix the tears

so I can get to work

and sound happy on phones

asking for your money

I am the professional beggar

tugging on your account strings.

Sacrifice myself

to be the hated one

to make a quick buck in order to

stay afloat in oil leaked oceans.

And now

now

NOW you tell me

that I can get fired

for not asking to upsize

or that my job isn't secure

tell me that my apartment is

too expensive

and my roommate has other options

while my school status is still pending

as well as my divorce with my parents

with awkward stares across enemy lies

The heat's too much

but I can't escape this kitchen

The heat wave has overcome me

and for the first time in a while,

I'm drowning in deep thoughts.

Ms. Chleo

"So if it all goes right, in about the next month I should have an acceptance letter, a job above minimum wage and a lease with my name on it. Cross your fingers and pray for the prayers in my favor."

That was the last status I posted on facebook, right after showering for work. Immediately after, my left palm started to itch very badly.

You know what they say about itchy palms right? It means money is coming.

Maybe this will work. But I'm not going to rely on itchy palms alone to predict my future.

So, please pray for the prayers in my favor. (I like that line)

Lemonade

W.M.D

Some things are best said with silence

You kill me with your words

please stop your violence

You spit bullets

Your mouths a smoking gun

Words may cut deep

with your silver tongue

You've got

Hard hitting punchlines

with your

brass knuckle lips

and I'm at your mercy

until your mood shifts

You shoot insults

like a semi-automatic

and I can't hold my breath

because you always had it

I write it all down

because revenge is what I'm yearning

compose a diary of hatred

then hold a book burning

I'll shoot bullets back at you

but this time they're real

"See what you did to me?

I'll show you how I feel"

I Think They Call This...Venting

Sometimes it just feels like nothing goes right. While I have so much to be grateful for, I can't help to get angry at some misfortunes. A lady shouldn't curse but I've been brought up like a sailor. I've weathered storms with metaphorical waves that have taken my soul deeper than it should be at this age. The deeper I go the more pressure is on me.

I've seen my father leave and come back

and my mother threaten suicide

both too many times

I've seen so many arguments

and not enough apologies

I've heard so many empty words

I can hear their echo

and I repeat myself when I say

that it makes me a better person

But I am tired of being better

I'm tired of being the mother of my mother

and babying my father

I am not a child

and I had little chance to be

and when I finally do something for me

everything falls apart

the wool strands of my dreams are being tugged

and pulled away by the leaping sheep

and they run away towards possibility

while I'm left in an open field staring at a fence.

And when the sun rises I will be left in the shadows cast

sometimes it just always feels like darkness has its hand on my shoulder

I want to be better

So I guess this is the path

tomorrow I'm gettin' yelled at

oh well

fuck it

high ho' sailor.

If I Had A Dream

"every dream i’ve had was a nightmare

so everything i do is motivated by fear

scared of low makes me the best out there

but the best of what is the hardest nut

to crack when every possibility is followed by a “but...”

and by my own invention another window is shut

and it was never my intention

to have many canvases with no inspiration

like my fates a virgin waiting penetration

meaning i haven’t even touched it yet

despite my motivation"

So what do you do, when the only thing you want to be is better?

Why can't that be an aspiration and an occupation?

Adult: Monica, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Better.

Adult: No, I mean what do you want to do with your life?

Me: Be better.

Adult: I don't think you understand...

Me: I don't think you understand. With all the things I can do, like to do, will probably do in the future, how can you choose one? What else is more worthy of my time than self improvement? Why should my life be defined by an employment application?

Anywho....

I don't have a dream.

No drive towards a single direction.

I don't have any ambition towards something in particular.

I just want to be better.

Better than I am now.

Better than most.

Better than the best.

I want to be me in the near future

and that's an ongoing process.

So I Have This Friend...

I've only been home for a couple weeks by now, and it's been hard trying to adjust to the weather forecasts. A 75 - 80 degrees in Chicago is different from that in Philadelphia. I walked around the city to meet up with my friend and I am greeted with booty shorts and cellulite, and half way through my journey I realize that the friend I was meeting will too have short shorts, but none of the cellulite. In fact, she pulls them off better than most people I'll find on the street. And then I realized, she'll probably have a really cute outfit on because she always does, and always looks so well put together, and (as far as I'm concerned) always outshines me. It was too late to go back and change, and when I saw her all my suspicions were right. "Um, excuse me miss? What is this?" I said to her in a joking way, pointing with my eyes at her shorts. She acted like it was fine, no big deal. "It's not that hot outside. Now, if I wore shorts like that it'd be an issue."

"Well, that's 'cause you got more booty than I do." True. But that's just a nice way of saying I'm "bigger." I was jealous of her for that. It's not that she's necessarily prettier than me (though she's gorgeous). If we could wear the same clothes, we'd be more level. However, every time I feel like I have to hide something, tuck in, suck in, poke out, etc. she can breathe easy. While I'm ashamed and in hiding, she's not even flaunting what she has, it's just her. It's who she is, how she dresses, and how she feels good about herself and damn, I wish I could do the same. So, it's funny how our insecurities manifest themselves into how we dress.

Part of what bothers me is that her comment. She would never call me fat, but I've seen her face when she looks at older photos of me (my weight has always fluctuated throughout my life). If I suck in my stomach she tells me to "go ahead girl," so how am I supposed to feel? I gave her a hypothetical question. If there was a skinny girl and a fat girl at the same school wearing the same outfit, and the fat girl was made to change her clothes because it was "inappropriate," would it be wrong? She said yes. I asked her why her shorts were any different. "Because this isn't a school setting." Yeah, okay. That's why.

When I get like this, I try to remember that there's more than one kind of beautiful. My friend just happens to be more conventional with her petite figure, well done hair (colored/dyed and styled), fashion sense, always has jewelry, usually wears heels (even on her move-in day for college), and always has her nails and eyebrows done. These are things I don't have or do, and maybe if I did I wouldn't be so worried all the time, but that's not me. All the things that make her seem so beautiful (aside from her natural beauty) also handicaps her. First off, to keep up with those things is expensive. Second, I believe a person is more about what they are bare. What if she didn't have the nails, hair, heels, etc? What if the playing field were level? She can't go swimming because it would mess up her hair. She can't go out without having to put on make-up, she's high maintenance.

Wait, let me stop. Now I'm hatin'. I love this girl. She's been there for me and I've been there for her. It's just hard when my mind puts us in competition. I wanted to talk about this just to put it out there, and remind other girls when they're feelings insecure to remember: there's more than one kind of beautiful, the person you're jealous of is probably jealous of you too, no one is perfect and if they seem like they are, they're just covering up their demons.

I hate the stigma that because I'm bigger I have to hide myself. Even the people who are on my side fall into it. We say we're beautiful no matter what size we are, but we're always encouraged to go to the gym or go on a diet. Here's some food for thought. For all the commercials there are for weight loss, how many are there for weight gain (talking about females)? Yes, the United States has the most amount of obese/overweight people, but we also have the highest record of anorexia and bulemia. So, for every time we're told to lose weight to be "healthy" why doesn't the same apply to bulemia/anorexia sufferers?

Whatever.