So I Have This Friend...

I've only been home for a couple weeks by now, and it's been hard trying to adjust to the weather forecasts. A 75 - 80 degrees in Chicago is different from that in Philadelphia. I walked around the city to meet up with my friend and I am greeted with booty shorts and cellulite, and half way through my journey I realize that the friend I was meeting will too have short shorts, but none of the cellulite. In fact, she pulls them off better than most people I'll find on the street. And then I realized, she'll probably have a really cute outfit on because she always does, and always looks so well put together, and (as far as I'm concerned) always outshines me. It was too late to go back and change, and when I saw her all my suspicions were right. "Um, excuse me miss? What is this?" I said to her in a joking way, pointing with my eyes at her shorts. She acted like it was fine, no big deal. "It's not that hot outside. Now, if I wore shorts like that it'd be an issue."

"Well, that's 'cause you got more booty than I do." True. But that's just a nice way of saying I'm "bigger." I was jealous of her for that. It's not that she's necessarily prettier than me (though she's gorgeous). If we could wear the same clothes, we'd be more level. However, every time I feel like I have to hide something, tuck in, suck in, poke out, etc. she can breathe easy. While I'm ashamed and in hiding, she's not even flaunting what she has, it's just her. It's who she is, how she dresses, and how she feels good about herself and damn, I wish I could do the same. So, it's funny how our insecurities manifest themselves into how we dress.

Part of what bothers me is that her comment. She would never call me fat, but I've seen her face when she looks at older photos of me (my weight has always fluctuated throughout my life). If I suck in my stomach she tells me to "go ahead girl," so how am I supposed to feel? I gave her a hypothetical question. If there was a skinny girl and a fat girl at the same school wearing the same outfit, and the fat girl was made to change her clothes because it was "inappropriate," would it be wrong? She said yes. I asked her why her shorts were any different. "Because this isn't a school setting." Yeah, okay. That's why.

When I get like this, I try to remember that there's more than one kind of beautiful. My friend just happens to be more conventional with her petite figure, well done hair (colored/dyed and styled), fashion sense, always has jewelry, usually wears heels (even on her move-in day for college), and always has her nails and eyebrows done. These are things I don't have or do, and maybe if I did I wouldn't be so worried all the time, but that's not me. All the things that make her seem so beautiful (aside from her natural beauty) also handicaps her. First off, to keep up with those things is expensive. Second, I believe a person is more about what they are bare. What if she didn't have the nails, hair, heels, etc? What if the playing field were level? She can't go swimming because it would mess up her hair. She can't go out without having to put on make-up, she's high maintenance.

Wait, let me stop. Now I'm hatin'. I love this girl. She's been there for me and I've been there for her. It's just hard when my mind puts us in competition. I wanted to talk about this just to put it out there, and remind other girls when they're feelings insecure to remember: there's more than one kind of beautiful, the person you're jealous of is probably jealous of you too, no one is perfect and if they seem like they are, they're just covering up their demons.

I hate the stigma that because I'm bigger I have to hide myself. Even the people who are on my side fall into it. We say we're beautiful no matter what size we are, but we're always encouraged to go to the gym or go on a diet. Here's some food for thought. For all the commercials there are for weight loss, how many are there for weight gain (talking about females)? Yes, the United States has the most amount of obese/overweight people, but we also have the highest record of anorexia and bulemia. So, for every time we're told to lose weight to be "healthy" why doesn't the same apply to bulemia/anorexia sufferers?

Whatever.

Betty White

I want to be the kind of old person

that rides their scooter in the street

like it's a car

parallel parks it

and walks away.

Or that scoots down a super market

and knocks down the can pyramid

and tells the workers to suck her left teat.

Betty White is awesome.

I Don't Really Have Skeletons...

But my closet is looking dusty. Sorry for being vague.

I've had a conversation recently with my roommate and suitemate in my dorm that has stirred my demons.

There's certain character traits that I believe I can attribute to my past. Though what I have gone through in the past has been hard, I have to say that I am grateful for my experiences. So, here goes.

Thank you.

To everyone that has hurt me.

For every time I've cried,

and every time I was too hurt to shed a tear.

Thank you for the arguments,

and for showing me who I really am

for speaking honestly of your true character

and even if you never were before,

being honest long enough to harm me.

Thank you for teaching me to never waste my time with people like you

and showing me the friends that I should never let go.

Thank you for making me stronger,

better,

faster,

and smarter.

You knocked me down

so I know how to build.

Thanks to you,

I can create something out of nothing

so even when you leave

and when you're gone

and when you're never coming back

a part of me won't leave with you.

You do not make me

so you cannot break me.

I am better than that

and thanks to you,

I already know it.

This isn't poetry, it's just how I think.

Just as a note: It's hard to be grateful for the hard times of our lives, but they form us to be the people we are today. Saying that, it's also important to forgive, but not always forget. Some people will hurt us again and again, so we must forgive them again and again but remove ourselves for our own sakes.

"I've spent too much time being negative of others, when I should remember the time spent of others being negative of me."

Year 2010

I think it's human nature to be hypo-

(critical of ourselves),

to dream for the best but

put talent on the shelves,

and when we fall we see

how low failure really delves.

act like we’re scared of success

and we almost always fail

Fictional

“Mommy, why do we call gramma an grampa opa and oma?”

“What makes you ask?”

“No one else at school calls them that.”

“Well it’s because you oma is from Germany and that’s what I called my grandparents. Opa is the German word for grandpa and oma is the German word for grandma.”

“Why do is Sandra called Tia?”

“Because she’s from Colombia and there they speak spanish. That’s why you call your cousins your primos.”

“So our family is Colombian, German, and black?”

“Yup. And a lot more”

“So what does that make me?”

“Beautiful.”

“So why did a kid call me ‘nigger’?”

“Do you know what that word means?”

“No”

“It means ignorance. Do you know what ignorance means?”

“No”

“It means someone doesn’t know a lot.”

“Like stupid.”

“Sort of.”

“Why were they calling me stupid?”

“They weren’t, they were showing how stupid they are. Whenever someone uses that word they show their own ignorance.”

Caution: Construction in Progress

As a young female, I watch many of my friends get into relationships because they feel they "need" to be in one. I tell many of my friends "you need to know yourself alone before you can know yourself in a relationship." This statement, I think is true. It makes a relationship stronger, more honest, better. We cannot know what to expect from others if we do not know what to expect of ourselves first. That being said, I need to learn to accept others flaws the same way that I accept my own. I spend most of my time single, and I consider few people my "friend." It's very hard to gain my trust and entrance into my "inner circle." I used to see this as a positive, but now I see that maybe I cut people too short too quickly. I'm realizing that since I've spent so much time "finding me" I've lost many around me. I always thought of this as "trimming the fat" and "eliminating drama," but maybe I should allow more patience to those around me. Especially if I want a romantic relationship. Maybe my friends have something figured out that I've been missing all along. Hopefully, we all will learn how to meet in the middle.